Light through the blinds

Light through the blinds

I had a little breakdown, that morning. Alone in the grayness of morning. In a place that wasn’t home, where so much had happened. Where I was settled into a room of my own.

With nothing but my thoughts, the smell of flowers next to me and the subtle beeps of medicalia. Streams of soft tears, painted rivers down a face that hadn’t been washed in more than a day and fell back into my tangled hair. Sobs eluded the early day, soundlessly I let the facade slip, just for me, just for a moment…or so I thought. (more…)

” I think I just stopped caring about him getting better”

” I think I just stopped caring about him getting better”

Those are the words of my brother, in a text message to me last night, accompanied by this picture. Cigarettes in an ashtray on my father’s counter.

My father has cancer. His doctor was clear that the treatments he is undergoing would be useless in the face of this addiction. Treatments that my brother has rearranged his life to attend. Those cigarettes? Are a slap in my brother’s face. (more…)

If I had no more tomorrows

If I had no more tomorrows

If I awoke today to the news that I had no tomorrow to look forward to, how different my voice would be.

How different my day would look.

How I would hold my mother’s hands and thank her for her love, her humor, her light. How I would tell her, again and again, that all is forgiven, all is forgotten and that if I could have chosen anyone else’s star to be born under, I wouldn’t. (more…)

Choice

Choice

The truth is, I could have been over this by now, but I haven’t chosen to be.

That is a whole bucket of truth, right there.

I am unsure of what magic key I am missing. What delirious scent of truth is bypassing my senses, what spark it is that will ignite the final piece of not being in pain. But I know that it is there, and I haven’t chosen to see it. I haven’t chosen to accept it. (more…)

In the shadow of dreams

In the shadow of dreams

It’s true. I admit it here, and with fervor. I am not living up to my potential. The life that I though that I would be living is not the life that I am living.

I am not self sustained on the gifts that I have been given. I am not making the most of my natural aptitudes, I am scraping by. It used to be enough. It is no longer enough. (more…)

Dear Body

Dear Body

My dearest, most tortured body,

For the way you rise to my command, I thank you. We travel so many roads, you and I. From the mundane to the spectacular, your scars and curves and injuries and grace follow. Your grace. (more…)

My toilet seat

My toilet seat

I have a problem.

Well more than one, really. But this one centers around a seat and a lid. It’s attached to my toilet.

I have a clear, lucite toilet seat, in which are suspended dozens of tiny, rubber duckies. It is cute as hell. It was made for kids. It slides off to one side when I sit on the toilet, tossing me off to one side or the other. Often in mid-pee or mid-noneofyourbusiness. (more…)

As is usually the way

As is usually the way

Thank you for all who asked, answers from the neuro are coming. Nothing yet.

I am trying to put words to a certain amount of frustration I am currently feeling, over things that I am entirely too pragmatic to put on blog. I do actually have the ability to be pragmatic, go figure. (more…)

When one’s butt is bigger than one’s pants

When one’s butt is bigger than one’s pants

Witty repartee aside, having a big ass is a difficult thing to contend with. Period.

Having a big ass is an especially egregious offense when inbetween sizes and in the process of making one’s ass smaller, but still sitting squarely in the camp of bah-BAM! This is in no way a slam on small bootied girls, and in no way a social commentary on our standards of beauty. (more…)

The day closes

The day closes

And I am afraid to close my eyes. I sleep in fits and starts, intervals of peaceless awake. Peaceless asleep. Terrors imagined, terrors past, terrors not to come dance in a sickening ballet in technicolor. My dreams, a bloody stageshow. (more…)